Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
you inspire me to be a worse person
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize