Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
