in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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