believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
