Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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