well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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