apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
