Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
