you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
