turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
