My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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