Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
