i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
