wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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