They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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