Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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