I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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