So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
