the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Two words: blizzard sex
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
