70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
