every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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