I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
