im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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