dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
