i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
