alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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