And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
