break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
