end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
