Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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