I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
