My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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