Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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