The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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