Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
