my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just threw up on my dentist
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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