i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
