wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
