My sheets look like a crime scene.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I smell stomach acid.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
