mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
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