My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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