So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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