She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize