my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
