Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
