So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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