oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Randomize
