Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
home. puking in laundry basket.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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