Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Fuck appropriateness.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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