it's like her boobs came off with her bra
How's work?
Spinning.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
