brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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