I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
