Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Green mimosas i think yes
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
