I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
