I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
