trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
