So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Randomize
