Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
