Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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