I can't breathe out the right side of my face
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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