I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
