Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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