I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
sarcasm needs its own font
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
